Hurry up and wait!

First I want to say congratulations to Joe and Andrea on the birth of their son William Cutler born Jan 29th at 7:51pm. He was 21 inches and weighed 7lbs and 10 oz. He was also welcomed by big sister Ella. I pray blessings on your new family!

OK, here I am 3 weeks after Sean and I officially decided to start our whole process. We still dont have the money we need and we still dont officially have an agency picked out. We are seriously considering going through Adoption Law Network Center. Everything we have read and heard about them is great! We are getting paperwork together and even have a folder to put it all in!

Mom and I went to Hobby Lobby last weekend and bought our scrapbook, the paper and some other things that I think I may need. I did call my sister, the scrap-booking queen, to ask questions. I have been going through pictures and trying to decide what to put in the book. (It was fun taking a trip down memory lane). Sean and I have many facets that make up our lives. We want the book to show all of the facets, making sure our personalities shine through. So far, we have some pages picked out. There will be a performing arts page for both of us. There will be a friend page for both of us as well as one that shows us with mutual friends. Sean will have a work page. I cant b/c of what I do. I will also put in pictures of our engagement, wedding, honeymoon and anniversaries. These are the pages we know we want for sure, but beyond that we dont know.

In choir we have been singing 2 songs that really have spoken to my heart. I was embarressed 2 weeks ago in choir b/c I started crying. It was like I could hear God asking me, "Do you really believe what you are singing?" I had to be honest and answer no. The song is "My life is in your hands." The phrase "With Jesus I can make it, with Him I know I can stand, no matter what may come my way, my life is in your hands" really got to me. There is so much more to this song than just that line, but it was the one the stuck out to me. Do I really believe that with Jesus I can stand and walk through this whole process? Do I really believe that I my life is in His hands? Do I believe that He will work all of this out for Sean and I? The second song is "My God is a Mountain Mover." Do I believe that my God can move mountains? (I feel like I am asking Him to move Mt. Everest for us). Do I believe that He would for Sean and I?

In my heart of hearts I know that God can do whatever HE wants! I know that He will give us the child we need and expand our family as HE sees fit. The problem comes in that in my heart I know these things to be true, but my head doesnt always think that way. I am a very black and white person, with very few shades of gray. My head looks at where things stand with this whole process and doesnt see how this will all work. I have trouble making my heart knowledge head knowledge, by moving it up 8 inches. (If any of you know my salvation experience, you know that I had to make head knowledge heart knowledge). As a believer we sometimes have to move information up instead of down.

So, here we are at the end of Jan and I am feeling very impatient. I am so frustrated that things have not worked themselves out NOW! I want to be a mother like yesterday. I want to make Sean a father! I want to give our parents grandchildren. I want my sister to finally have a niece and/or nephew from me. I want to be able to tell Hannah and Logan (my neice and nephew) that they have a new cousin(s). I want to be able to talk with friends about raising children and really understand where they are coming from. I know in a way this sounds very selfish and very much I,I,I... but I am inpatient. I WANT a child (actually several) to love and raise.

So, we are raising our money. We are cutting back on eating out. I am cutting back and pretty much cutting out on shopping. Sean is cutting back on Starbucks. Sean is trying to take extra gigs. We have our references picked out. I am getting the letter that I need from work. We are taking baby steps. Yes, they are steps in the right direction. I am at the point, where I am ready to RUN, not take baby steps, not even walk at a brisk pace, but RUN full speed ahead so that we can hold our little blessing.

Sean and I are praying for the birthmother. We dont even know if she is pregnant yet. If she is, she may just be finding out. I read on an adoption board (one lady talking to another one) that our baby may not be ready for us yet, or we may not be ready for our baby just yet. I pray that when all is said and done, that we have our child, the one the Lord intended for us to love and raise!

I guess I throw all of this out there to ask that you continue to pray for Sean and I. Please pray for the birthmother and our baby. Pray that the Lord will open the doors that need to be open. Pray that in all of this Sean and I are able to keep our focus on HIM. Pray that when everything falls into place, that we will give the Lord all of the glory and remember He chose to give us that blessing.

I hope ya'll have a wonderful and blessed weekend!