A mother's heart...

I am going to share my heart with all of you reading this blog. This is not going to be a happy, feel good post, but a transparent look at my heart. I am not looking for sympathy, but asking for prayers and support for Sean and I. I would like to share with you the journey that Sean and I have been on. Many of you know where we have been and many of you dont. I am at a point where I can write and share. I hope that some of this is not considered an overshare, but that you see the spirit in which it was intended. We love each and everyone of you who read our blog. We value the friendships in which we have with all of you. If by some chance you have stumbled onto our blog, welcome and I hope that the Lord uses it to bless you in someway...

When Sean and I got married in June of 05, I had no idea that just shy of our 3rd anniversary we would be sitting where we are. I had no idea that getting pregnant and staying pregnant would be as hard as it has been. My dream was to get pregnant on our honeymoon. Instead, we got pregnant that Novemeber. In December, I found out I was pregnant and surprised Sean and work on a Monday. That Wednesday (12/17) night I miscarried our first angel. Late March, early April of 06 we got pregnant again. The last week in April I started spotting and was put on bedrest. We hoped and prayed that bedrest would work. I miscarried our 2nd angel on May 5th. At that point we took a break and waited to try again until after I had graduated from seminary and we moved back to TN. In July of 07 we got pregnant again. I held my breath and prayed that the Lord would allow this baby to hold on. On Aug 15, I miscarried our 3rd angel.

During much of this I have felt like a failure as a woman and a wife. After all a woman's body was created to carry and give birth to a baby. I became very angry with the Lord, and very jealous of the growing bellies around me. I admit that even now I struggle with this. In our church there are several ladies who are due in April. It frustrates me that I am not going to be in that group. I honestly rejoice in their healthy pregnancies and pray that they all have wonderful births and that their families are blessed by the blessing on the way. There have been times when I feel like there is no hope of ever relizing my dream of having a house full of children.

Sean has been a great source of strength and encouragement through all of this. He has dealt with the losses in his own way. It has been hard for him in the fact that he cant fix this for me. I married a man who likes to fix things. If he thought I wanted the moon, he would do what he could to get it for me. He has prayed for us every night and tells me constantly not to give up hope.

In September, I went to my Dr and she said that everything looks like it should. She then ordered a series of blood tests. I probably had about 20 tubes of blood drawn in 2 trips to the lab. One of the things my Dr was looking for was to see if I had a blood clotting disorder. The labs didnt really show much of anything. It was determined that I have a folic acid deficiency. My Dr then sent me to the maternal fetal specialist. (A maternal fetal specialist deals in high risk pregnancies).

I was a little confused as to why I was being sent to this new Dr even though I wasnt pregnant. When I got there I understood. This Dr also deals with women who are sitting where I am. She looked at all of the labs and gave us a mixture of good and bad news. First she said that I am 1 gene carrier for 2 types of blood clotting disorders. She said that if I were a 2 gene carrier for either type that this would be a cause for the early miscarriages. She then said the good news is that I can get pregnant. The bad news comes in that when we get pregnant the baby does not attach to the uterine wall like it should, thus resulting in the early miscarriages. She said that we may have several more miscarriages before I ever carry a baby to full term. She said that if we were not pregnant by Jan then we needed to call my Dr and get a referral to the TN Fertility Clinic.

After the 2nd miscarriage, Sean started talking about adoption. I was not at all ready to think about that let alone talk about it. In May of 07, I started looking at agencies, but I still was not really ready to accept that for us. Shortly after our appointment with the maternal fetal specialist, I was ready to start thinking about, really praying about and talking about us adopting. We decided that we would wait until Jan to see where we were with pregnancy. Before any of you get excited we are not pregnant. We are going to call to get the referral, but we are also going to start the adoption process.

For me this excites me and scares me all at the same time. There are so many agencies. We have the option of domestic and international adoption. We also have the option of pursuing an open or closed adoption. Each agency has its own set of rules and fees. We also have to have a homestudy done and we dont know where we need to turn for that. We are gathering all of the information that we can. We are praying that the Lord will show us which agency we need to go through. We are also praying that the Lord will provide the funds we need to go through with this process. We pray that the Lord will match us with the right birthmother and/or baby. There are so many unknowns at this point.

If you have been through this process or are adopted we would love to hear your story. If you have suggestions about agencies or other things we should know or think about please post. If you know of a pregnant lady who is not married and is considering adoption please think about us. If you know people who are going through this process, please send them to this blog. I found an online board and one of the ladies on there, was able to adopt through a friend. That friend called her and said that there was a lady in labor who wanted to give up here chuld for adoption. She and her husband drove 2 hrs and then brought home their child 2 days later. This gives me hope. I know that the Lord can use what avenue He chooses to bring us this child or children. As we get information and get things going we will be posting updates.

Thank you for reading this post. I am feeling more and more encouraged about starting this process. I hope and pray that by the time Christmas comes that we are either holding a baby in our arms or that we at least know that our little blessing is on the way. Thank you again for your friendship and your prayers. I pray that the Lord blesses you in this new year!!!