Thursday, January 31, 2008

Hurry up and wait!

First I want to say congratulations to Joe and Andrea on the birth of their son William Cutler born Jan 29th at 7:51pm. He was 21 inches and weighed 7lbs and 10 oz. He was also welcomed by big sister Ella. I pray blessings on your new family!

OK, here I am 3 weeks after Sean and I officially decided to start our whole process. We still dont have the money we need and we still dont officially have an agency picked out. We are seriously considering going through Adoption Law Network Center. Everything we have read and heard about them is great! We are getting paperwork together and even have a folder to put it all in!

Mom and I went to Hobby Lobby last weekend and bought our scrapbook, the paper and some other things that I think I may need. I did call my sister, the scrap-booking queen, to ask questions. I have been going through pictures and trying to decide what to put in the book. (It was fun taking a trip down memory lane). Sean and I have many facets that make up our lives. We want the book to show all of the facets, making sure our personalities shine through. So far, we have some pages picked out. There will be a performing arts page for both of us. There will be a friend page for both of us as well as one that shows us with mutual friends. Sean will have a work page. I cant b/c of what I do. I will also put in pictures of our engagement, wedding, honeymoon and anniversaries. These are the pages we know we want for sure, but beyond that we dont know.

In choir we have been singing 2 songs that really have spoken to my heart. I was embarressed 2 weeks ago in choir b/c I started crying. It was like I could hear God asking me, "Do you really believe what you are singing?" I had to be honest and answer no. The song is "My life is in your hands." The phrase "With Jesus I can make it, with Him I know I can stand, no matter what may come my way, my life is in your hands" really got to me. There is so much more to this song than just that line, but it was the one the stuck out to me. Do I really believe that with Jesus I can stand and walk through this whole process? Do I really believe that I my life is in His hands? Do I believe that He will work all of this out for Sean and I? The second song is "My God is a Mountain Mover." Do I believe that my God can move mountains? (I feel like I am asking Him to move Mt. Everest for us). Do I believe that He would for Sean and I?

In my heart of hearts I know that God can do whatever HE wants! I know that He will give us the child we need and expand our family as HE sees fit. The problem comes in that in my heart I know these things to be true, but my head doesnt always think that way. I am a very black and white person, with very few shades of gray. My head looks at where things stand with this whole process and doesnt see how this will all work. I have trouble making my heart knowledge head knowledge, by moving it up 8 inches. (If any of you know my salvation experience, you know that I had to make head knowledge heart knowledge). As a believer we sometimes have to move information up instead of down.

So, here we are at the end of Jan and I am feeling very impatient. I am so frustrated that things have not worked themselves out NOW! I want to be a mother like yesterday. I want to make Sean a father! I want to give our parents grandchildren. I want my sister to finally have a niece and/or nephew from me. I want to be able to tell Hannah and Logan (my neice and nephew) that they have a new cousin(s). I want to be able to talk with friends about raising children and really understand where they are coming from. I know in a way this sounds very selfish and very much I,I,I... but I am inpatient. I WANT a child (actually several) to love and raise.

So, we are raising our money. We are cutting back on eating out. I am cutting back and pretty much cutting out on shopping. Sean is cutting back on Starbucks. Sean is trying to take extra gigs. We have our references picked out. I am getting the letter that I need from work. We are taking baby steps. Yes, they are steps in the right direction. I am at the point, where I am ready to RUN, not take baby steps, not even walk at a brisk pace, but RUN full speed ahead so that we can hold our little blessing.

Sean and I are praying for the birthmother. We dont even know if she is pregnant yet. If she is, she may just be finding out. I read on an adoption board (one lady talking to another one) that our baby may not be ready for us yet, or we may not be ready for our baby just yet. I pray that when all is said and done, that we have our child, the one the Lord intended for us to love and raise!

I guess I throw all of this out there to ask that you continue to pray for Sean and I. Please pray for the birthmother and our baby. Pray that the Lord will open the doors that need to be open. Pray that in all of this Sean and I are able to keep our focus on HIM. Pray that when everything falls into place, that we will give the Lord all of the glory and remember He chose to give us that blessing.

I hope ya'll have a wonderful and blessed weekend!

Wednesday, January 30, 2008

My two cents about Two Rivers

(This is the long version of a letter that I wrote to the Tennessean after viewing an article this past Sunday. The actual letter that I sent the Tennessean was under 300 words. So this letter is about twice the length of what I sent to the Newspaper. Still, I wanted those not connected with the church to hear the truth, and not just what the newspaper is reporting. If you have an opinion or want me to email you the abbreviated letter, please email me at Sean@BalloonsMagicandMore.com)


I love it how people jump to conclusions and don't do any firm research on a news story, much like what is being reported on Two Rivers in the Tennessean on Sunday, January 27, 2008. (http://www.tennessean.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=2008801270391)

First of all, I want to say that I'm a member of Two Rivers. So some of you might think this report is a bit tainted. That's okay. Most of the reporting on this event has been so one sided, it isn't even funny.

The reason this story is being reported is because the group trying to sue Two Rivers wants access to credit card receipts and not just credit card statements. Two Rivers claims that it can't give actual receipts to this group because some of those receipts have to do with counseling sessions with church members and other people.

For example, let’s say that I had a problem that I needed to talk with a pastor about. That pastor says, “Let’s meet for coffee”, and while talking buys me a couple of cups at Starbucks. That’s a legitimate church expense and is considered a confidential due to the nature of the conversation.

So now, everyone assumes that because receipts aren’t being handed over because of counseling sessions. That’s not the case. The church has never claimed that every single questionable charge is a counseling session. But because the church states “confidentiality” as the reason why receipts aren’t being handed over, the writer of this article assumes that all questionable charges are “counseling sessions”.

But let’s try to do something really crazy and look at the facts (something that most people have ignored when they’ve talked about Two Rivers).

  1. The church is audited by an external accounting firm every year to make sure that the church is operating within proper guidelines. To my knowledge, the church has always received a clean bill of health.
  2. When all of the commotion about Two Rivers and finances first came up, the church had another audit done to make sure it’s accounting and spending practices were considered legitimate. Once again, Two Rivers got a clean bill of health.
  3. Two Rivers budget is in line with most other large churches in America today (for a reference source on this, please read “Money Matters in Church: A Practical Guide for Leaders” by Aubrey M. Malphurs & Steve Stroope).
  4. Two Rivers is probably not the only mega church in the Nashville area to have its pastor eat at a fancy restaurant for some undisclosed reason. My guess is, although it’s probably not a frequent practice, it’s still done among other large churches.
  5. We don’t know what the dinner was all about. Just because we don’t know the details of this event, doesn’t mean that any staff member of Two Rivers has done something wrong.

In any case, this is not a matter to be sorted out by the press or public. It’s a matter to be settled and sorted out by the members of Two Rivers Baptist Church, its budget & finance committee, and by the accounting firm that audits Two Rivers on a yearly basis.

I know that a church that doesn’t comment on these matters (like Two Rivers) may seem guilty to the general public. However, the Bible clearly states that these matters are to be handled within a church and not out in public. I think the group that is bringing a lawsuit against the church is not only doing the name of Two Rivers a disservice, but the name of Jesus Christ also.

I also think that it would serve the press and other members of general public well if they talked with some members of Two Rivers Baptist Church to get the other side of the story.

Please, don’t assume that just because the leadership of Two Rivers isn’t speaking on this matter that there is some type of shenanigans going on. In this country, we consider people innocent until proven guilty. Unless I’m wrong, the judge on this matter keeps throwing out the lawsuits against Two Rivers not only because the courts have no jurisdiction in this type of case, but the allegations against the church have no merit. Unfortunately, the only place were wrongful allegations can survive and see the light of day is in the press.

Saturday, January 26, 2008

Me and Scrapbooking?

Sean and I are still trying to put money into savings so we can get our homestudy done. We are praying that the Lord will bless Sean with some extra gigs, so this can happen sooner rather than later! We are still in the process of trying to get some of the paperwork together. I have been talking to some ladies on an adoption board and "listening" to their stories. I have also been asking questions about what we need to do to be ready for the homestudy. As far as I can we are on track with all of that.

One of the things I have been told that I need to do it put together a scrapbook for our birthmother. We have no idea who she is at this point. I have been told that we need to put in pictures of us showing our hobbies, favorite activities, vacations, places we have lived, the wedding, the honeymoon, our dog and other things that will show our personality and our lifestyle. If ya'll know me, you know that I am not the scrapbooking type. That being said I am starting to get pictures together. My mother is in town this weekend and we are going to go look at the scrapbooking store in Opry Mills. This may sound weird, but please pray that I can put together a scrapbook that shows who we really are and that it will look good.

As soon as there is more to update, I will post. I hope that ya'll have a wonderful and blessed weekend!

Thursday, January 17, 2008

Faith Required

Well here we are trying to figure out this whole adoption thing. We have a place that can do our homestudy, and we are trying to get the paperwork together. That being said we are praying that the Lord would work out the finances. There are so many grants we can apply for once our homestudy is done, but not before then. To get the homestudy done, we kind of need the money for it.

As I look at what all we need to be able to adopt and possibly buy a house it honestly freaks me out. In my heart of hearts, I know that what we need is only a drop in the bucket of God's bank. I believe that we are doing what the Lord has called us to do. I still struggle with beleiving that the Lord is going to work all of this out and that we will have a house and beautiful little blessing. I know that all I have to do is have the faith of a mustard seed. Somedays I am not sure that I have even that. I am sure there are times that the Lord looks down and shakes His head at me.

For those of you who read our blog and believe in the power of prayer, we are asking for prayer! Please pray that the Lord would help Sean and I to get the money we need and that we would be good stewards of what we already have. I hope to be able to update soon with a homestudy date! I think we may have also picked out the agency that we are going to go through, but we will announce that at a later date!

I hope ya'll have a wonderful and blessed weekend!

Friday, January 11, 2008

And the journey begins...

Sean and I have started the process of trying to get a homestudy done. We have talked to several people and been online. I have to call a lady on Mon (1/14). The company she works for does homestudies all over the state of TN. We would like to have the date of our homestudy set by the end of this month if at all possible. Please pray that the Lord would show us who should do our homestudy.

There is something I meant to share in my last post. Adoption is the perfect picture of what Christ has done for us. We are not "born" into God's family. It is only through Christ that we have the blessing of being God"s children. When we adopt, we have like other parents the privilage of sharing the love of Christ with them. When the adopted children accept Christ they truly become a member of our family. I know that the day we bring them home, they are apart of our family, but them coming to know Christ makes them a part of our family for eternity. I hope this is coming across like I want it to.

Thank you for your prayers and keep checking back. As things happen and decisions are made, we will keep you posted!

I hope you all have a blessed weekend!

Wednesday, January 9, 2008

A mother's heart...

I am going to share my heart with all of you reading this blog. This is not going to be a happy, feel good post, but a transparent look at my heart. I am not looking for sympathy, but asking for prayers and support for Sean and I. I would like to share with you the journey that Sean and I have been on. Many of you know where we have been and many of you dont. I am at a point where I can write and share. I hope that some of this is not considered an overshare, but that you see the spirit in which it was intended. We love each and everyone of you who read our blog. We value the friendships in which we have with all of you. If by some chance you have stumbled onto our blog, welcome and I hope that the Lord uses it to bless you in someway...

When Sean and I got married in June of 05, I had no idea that just shy of our 3rd anniversary we would be sitting where we are. I had no idea that getting pregnant and staying pregnant would be as hard as it has been. My dream was to get pregnant on our honeymoon. Instead, we got pregnant that Novemeber. In December, I found out I was pregnant and surprised Sean and work on a Monday. That Wednesday (12/17) night I miscarried our first angel. Late March, early April of 06 we got pregnant again. The last week in April I started spotting and was put on bedrest. We hoped and prayed that bedrest would work. I miscarried our 2nd angel on May 5th. At that point we took a break and waited to try again until after I had graduated from seminary and we moved back to TN. In July of 07 we got pregnant again. I held my breath and prayed that the Lord would allow this baby to hold on. On Aug 15, I miscarried our 3rd angel.

During much of this I have felt like a failure as a woman and a wife. After all a woman's body was created to carry and give birth to a baby. I became very angry with the Lord, and very jealous of the growing bellies around me. I admit that even now I struggle with this. In our church there are several ladies who are due in April. It frustrates me that I am not going to be in that group. I honestly rejoice in their healthy pregnancies and pray that they all have wonderful births and that their families are blessed by the blessing on the way. There have been times when I feel like there is no hope of ever relizing my dream of having a house full of children.

Sean has been a great source of strength and encouragement through all of this. He has dealt with the losses in his own way. It has been hard for him in the fact that he cant fix this for me. I married a man who likes to fix things. If he thought I wanted the moon, he would do what he could to get it for me. He has prayed for us every night and tells me constantly not to give up hope.

In September, I went to my Dr and she said that everything looks like it should. She then ordered a series of blood tests. I probably had about 20 tubes of blood drawn in 2 trips to the lab. One of the things my Dr was looking for was to see if I had a blood clotting disorder. The labs didnt really show much of anything. It was determined that I have a folic acid deficiency. My Dr then sent me to the maternal fetal specialist. (A maternal fetal specialist deals in high risk pregnancies).

I was a little confused as to why I was being sent to this new Dr even though I wasnt pregnant. When I got there I understood. This Dr also deals with women who are sitting where I am. She looked at all of the labs and gave us a mixture of good and bad news. First she said that I am 1 gene carrier for 2 types of blood clotting disorders. She said that if I were a 2 gene carrier for either type that this would be a cause for the early miscarriages. She then said the good news is that I can get pregnant. The bad news comes in that when we get pregnant the baby does not attach to the uterine wall like it should, thus resulting in the early miscarriages. She said that we may have several more miscarriages before I ever carry a baby to full term. She said that if we were not pregnant by Jan then we needed to call my Dr and get a referral to the TN Fertility Clinic.

After the 2nd miscarriage, Sean started talking about adoption. I was not at all ready to think about that let alone talk about it. In May of 07, I started looking at agencies, but I still was not really ready to accept that for us. Shortly after our appointment with the maternal fetal specialist, I was ready to start thinking about, really praying about and talking about us adopting. We decided that we would wait until Jan to see where we were with pregnancy. Before any of you get excited we are not pregnant. We are going to call to get the referral, but we are also going to start the adoption process.

For me this excites me and scares me all at the same time. There are so many agencies. We have the option of domestic and international adoption. We also have the option of pursuing an open or closed adoption. Each agency has its own set of rules and fees. We also have to have a homestudy done and we dont know where we need to turn for that. We are gathering all of the information that we can. We are praying that the Lord will show us which agency we need to go through. We are also praying that the Lord will provide the funds we need to go through with this process. We pray that the Lord will match us with the right birthmother and/or baby. There are so many unknowns at this point.

If you have been through this process or are adopted we would love to hear your story. If you have suggestions about agencies or other things we should know or think about please post. If you know of a pregnant lady who is not married and is considering adoption please think about us. If you know people who are going through this process, please send them to this blog. I found an online board and one of the ladies on there, was able to adopt through a friend. That friend called her and said that there was a lady in labor who wanted to give up here chuld for adoption. She and her husband drove 2 hrs and then brought home their child 2 days later. This gives me hope. I know that the Lord can use what avenue He chooses to bring us this child or children. As we get information and get things going we will be posting updates.

Thank you for reading this post. I am feeling more and more encouraged about starting this process. I hope and pray that by the time Christmas comes that we are either holding a baby in our arms or that we at least know that our little blessing is on the way. Thank you again for your friendship and your prayers. I pray that the Lord blesses you in this new year!!!